Tuesday, November 4, 2014

The Rule

So I originally wrote this right after we arrived in Texas and just let it sit on my little private blog. But I decided to bring it out and share it a little more publicly -- just in case it comes in handy for anyone else out there.

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Recently, I went to two baby showers where we had to write advice to the mothers-to-be. I sat there sheepishly and couldn't come up with a thing. I was pretty sure I'd learned something in the past year and a half, but I sat mostly brain-dead.

Guys. I have remembered some advice. It is very important. Crucial, I'd say.
I know I don't have a lot of experience and I only have one child, but this is the advice I'd give to another first-time mom. It applies most to stay-at-home moms, or moms that stay at home a lot of the time.

THE RULE
Here's the rule: you have to get out of the house. You have to leave the house at some point every day. You need a plan, or an errand, or a visit.
(DISCLAIMER: If you're not a mom yet, I know this idea of *not* leaving the house in a day might sound absurd. I would've thought it sounded awful and horrible. Just wait, and don't judge. There may come a day of understanding for you yet.)

That's it. Just leave the house. It doesn't really matter what it is. But it has to be conscientious.

The days when I feel most unhappy are when I haven't left the apartment. I feel stir-crazy, yes, but usually by about 3pm I also get sad or weepy or anxious. I might get frustrated with my husband more easily or more frustrated by our situation in life. But one of the most common side effects is that I feel poorly about myself.

It's not that I haven't accomplished anything that day. I tend to keep myself productive and I've probably accomplished a great deal. I may have even done professional work, kept up on my emails, or accomplished something I had been looking forward to. But, strangely enough, I don't feel a sense of accomplishment for the day unless I've left the house.

HOW TO DO IT:
There are many ways to leave the house. You probably have enough errands that need attending to. You have a household to upkeep and people to provide sustenance and clothing for. You probably have returns. You probably have a shower coming up that you need to find a present for. And you might find, like me, that once you're out you find even more places that you need to go. Michael's? Obviously I need to go there. Target? I think so.

But then I started realizing that I needed to be able to get out of the house without spending money. We can't afford for me to just go aimlessly spend money every day. But my sanity and well-being can't afford not to get out of the house every day.
So then you start planning field trips. The library. Parks. Splash pads. The rec center. Grandma's house. Playdates. Hikes. The post office. Anything.

SOMETIMES YOU WILL FEEL SILLY. Because you have a 6 month old who doesn't actually care that you're at the library, let alone at story-time. Or you have a 9 month old that doesn't care too much about a playdate. Or a 1 year old that really doesn't want to be at the museum.
But remember, IT'S NOT FOR THEM--IT'S FOR YOU. It's not that it doesn't affect them. It will. They will observe and learn and be stimulated by a new environment. And it also establishes good habits and good traditions for both of you. And I dare say that you will have better relationships and good memories together as a result. 

But really. It's okay to do it for YOU. To learn and experience new things outside the home. To get a breath of fresh air. To meet new people and make new friends. To see more of the world.

I took my one year old to art museums over a dozen times this summer and she didn't particularly like it. In fact, she often hated it and cried. We usually didn't last altogether too long. But it made me think and feel alive and let me experience some great things. I have a tender memory of standing and holding back tears at an exhibit in the Whitney Museum while my daughter sat watching the museum curator make faces to entertain her. You know, at that moment she wasn't getting anything out of the art--but it was what I needed. I needed to be moved by those Jacob Lawrence paintings and maybe she needed a new face smiling at her. And I have a feeling that taking her to art museums in her childhood might have a significant impact in ways I can't yet recognize.

OTHER THOUGHTS
When I'm not working (which sometimes comes in projects or seasons for me and my field), I sometimes become quite reclusive. Like, not-answer-the-door-several-times-in-one-day reclusive. I know. It's an issue. Once again, this isn't something I ever expected of myself at 25. Sometimes I know I need to get out, so I try and break out by just going out and checking the mail. Or running things to the dumpster. I've left the house, right? But this is a cop out and I know it. I've left the apartment, but not left the property. It doesn't leave me feeling better.

I'm not entirely sure why happiness and accomplishment for me are so directly linked to leaving the house, but I have a few ideas.
When you are a mother and your life suddenly isn't run by professional or school deadlines, it needs a little structure. It's not that it won't have any structure--because that's a big fat lie. There's feeding schedules and nap schedules and sleep schedules. There's your husband's schedules (which don't revolve around the baby's) and social schedules and family schedules, too. But you don't choose those schedules very much.

The truth also stands that most of your errands could probably be pushed to another day, and you don't have a boss who would yell at you for it. Or your creative endeavors or service projects or correspondence or visits could be wiggled around. Procrastinated. Saved for later. 

So you need to create a schedule. And you need to create a motivation. 

At first, it can be so hard to find a time of the day to get out of the house. I remember wondering how I'd ever find a block of time where my infant would a) be fed and b) not be napping or needing to nap soon and where I would simultaneously also be a) fed and b) put together enough to go out. That new baby thing is hard!

While it does get easier, you still do have to push yourself to get out of the house. And to do it you might leave a bowl of cheerios in milk on the table or toys scattered across the front room or wearing an outfit that isn't entirely pulled together. But it feels so good--in part because if you can get out, you feel in control and like you can do this motherhood gig. Not to mention doing wonders for restlessness or anxious hearts.

THE EXCEPTION
You decide when this sets in. That first month or first six weeks or first three months or first six months or however long, you might need to not leave the house. And that's just fine. 

My sequestered, home-bound maternity leave was a little bit forced. I had a C-section and my doctor instructed me not to drive for at least a month. I also had a preemie who had recently gotten surgery, so we didn't really want to take her around.
And that first month, man, was great. I mean, it was really hard in a lot of the new-mom ways, but I also ended up feeling a sense of freedom. I suddenly had no deadlines or no one expecting anything of me. After all, I'd just had a baby. They weren't expecting to hear from me or for me to accomplish anything other than love my baby.
So I did.

I spent long, exceptionally quiet days holding my baby. I held her when she napped because I wanted to. I was very alone, and very okay with the peace and quiet. I thought about how I *could* be doing other things like cleaning up or organizing baby clothes or cooking or writing thank-you notes, but how I was mostly going to sit and hold my baby, thanks.

It was really nice. But it didn't last forever. And then I started wanting to take my baby out and experience the world with her. And then I started needing to do more things to not be a neglectful member of society. And then I needed to be needed outside the home. And then I also wanted to go out so I could experience the world again for myself and remember what it felt like to be me, and not just a mother. 

This isn't to say that you might have other periods of life where you need to just slow down for the sake of you or your kids or your family. You know you and your family enough to make that call and know when you need to NOT leave the house. That's just fine.

BABIES NEED TO GET OUT, TOO
We just moved this week to the middle of nowhere where we know relatively nobody. We're here temporarily, and don't know what the next step is. So I'm not working, nor do I really have major goals. We're also feeling pretty alone. I don't interact with people most days more than my husband and 16-month old.

I've been thinking a lot this week about how important it is becoming for me to get out more. To do more. To be a part of this new city more, especially as I've found myself discontent. But I didn't realize that my toddler was suffocating, too. The past few days she's been taking my keys to the door and standing to be let out. Or this morning, when she solemnly stood by the door in her diaper and said, "please?"--a wave of realization just hit.
She needs it right now just as much as I do. She needs to get out.

So that's it. That's my mother advice. 
Get out of the house every day. 
I know it doesn't come with a lot of clout. And I imagine things might change if you had more than one baby, or lived in a house and not in a one-bedroom apartment. I actually have no idea how important it might be for you or what might apply--so you can take it for what it's worth. But in this house, it's worth a lot.

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